Moving Through the Grieving Process

If you have ever lost someone close to you, then you are probably familiar with the stages of grief. The stages are shock or denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. When we say that a person is going through the grieving process, we mean that they are experiencing the emotions that will eventually result in healthy acceptance and the ability to move forward with their life.

When someone becomes stuck in the grieving process, it can affect their daily life, including their work and relationships. For example, if a young woman loses her mother after a sudden illness, she may cycle through the grieving process.

However, if she stays in one stage too long, like depression, it may interfere with her relationship with her husband and children. She may not want to get out of bed and go to work. She may feel that life is not worth living without her mother.

In the above case, the young woman is stuck in complicated grief. She may need counseling to help her move forward. It is not that a person should stop grieving at a specific time after losing a loved one; they just need extra support to get through this season of their life.

The grieving process

The grieving process can be slow, even if the death of a loved one is imminent. It is estimated that grief can last from six to eight weeks to several months to years. Each person grieves in their own way. The trouble lies when we cannot escape the grief to resume life. When we inadvertently cause problems in our relationships or career or shirk our responsibilities because our minds revolve around the thoughts of loss.

Denial or shock.

When we first learn about the passing of a loved one, we may go through a period of denial or shock. An emotional numbness may take over so that we can manage the necessary details, such as making final arrangements. We might find it difficult to cry and feel we have not grieved.

Anger.

The second phase is anger. We might be angry at our loved one for dying, mad at friends or family for their behavior before or after our loved one passed, or mad at the events surrounding their death. We might look for someone to blame, especially if it was a sudden and tragic loss.

Bargaining.

Bargaining is the third phase and may include asking God to explain His actions. For example, we may beg God to restore our loved one and take us instead. Or we may try to convince God that we would be better if He spared our loved one’s life or brought them back to us.

Depression.

The depression phase comes in waves, bringing intrusive thoughts about our loved one. It may be a mixture of good and bad memories, what could have been scenarios, or fear about what the future holds without them here. This type of depression can make it hard to concentrate and cause disruptions in appetite and sleep.

Acceptance.

The final phase is acceptance. You can finally accept the death of your loved one and find a new path to move through the grieving process and into your future. You will honor your loved one in how you live your life going forward.

Moving through grief

The lines between stages in the grieving process can get blurry. You may feel depressed this morning with thoughts of your loved one, but by afternoon, you may be angry and on the phone with a lawyer to discuss possible malpractice.

You may feel that your emotions are all over the place. You might feel overwhelmed, especially if you have lost a spouse and have children or are worried about making the mortgage and car payments. These are all normal emotions, but you may want to consult with a counselor about science-backed techniques that can help.

Self-care and grace.

When your mind focuses on losing a loved one, you can get swallowed up by emotions. If depression sets in, you may not like doing anything for yourself. You may even talk yourself out of basic hygiene like showering or brushing your teeth.

Yet, self-care encompasses more than just the daily activities of bathing. Self-care is taking time to do something good for your mind, body, and soul. For example, you may not feel like watching a comedy, but escaping into a movie could distract your mind long enough to focus on something else. It is almost like giving your heart a rest from the emotional turmoil and your mind a rest from the painful thoughts.

Create a list of activities that you can do to feel a little more like yourself. Then, share your list with a trusted friend and ask them to help you take baby steps when you do not want to get out of bed. For example, your friend could come over and ask you to walk with him or help you make dinner on those days.

But what if your emotions are not what you expect? Maybe you do not feel sadness or depression but anger toward your loved one for dying. Perhaps your loved one was sick for a long time, and now you are confronted with the fine line between grief and relief. You may be thankful that your loved one is no longer suffering and is in Heaven, but you also feel shame for feeling that way.

Give yourself grace. Allow yourself to feel and acknowledge those emotions. If you need it, consult with a counselor about how to reconcile feelings of guilt and shame.

Re-evaluate individual goals.

Grief can cause our thoughts to move outside ourselves and onto the loss. To get back to feeling more like yourself, re-evaluate your individual goals. For example, you may need to alter your original plans if they included your loved one. A counselor can help you to reset your goals.

Try to choose goals in various areas of your life. For example, choose a Health, Financial, and Family goal. You could eat a healthy breakfast each morning for two weeks, save $100 weekly for a month, and watch movies with your children every Friday night. Set specific, measurable, and realistic goals, and reassess as needed.

However, avoid making any life-changing decisions during the grieving process. You may not be thinking clearly enough to make informed and wise decisions. Seek advice if you must make a life-changing choice, such as selling or buying a home, moving to another town or state, or quitting your job.

Pay tribute to your loved one.

Often, we go to extremes in grief. We either spend every waking moment obsessing over the loss, or we shove the memories and away and barely acknowledge our loved one’s absence.

The latter is a coping mechanism that does not facilitate healing. Yes, we are returning to work and building our relationships, but ignoring the passing of a loved one to avoid feeling the emotions will only lead to anxiety, depression, and anger that will manifest in other behaviors or conditions.

Instead, choose to honor your loved one with tributes. For example, do something annually to remember them. You could make a flower arrangement and take it to their grave. Or hold a family celebration on your loved one’s birthday every year.

Recognize the memories, but do not stay lost in them.

Ask for help.

It takes a brave person to ask for help when they need it. Sometimes we chastise ourselves or feel guilt or shame for not getting over the death of a loved one quickly. We may feel embarrassed when we cry in front of others. Ask for professional help is an acknowledgment that you are ready to remember your loved one and the good memories, but you know that you must resume life and the new normal.

Christian counseling for the grieving process

If you are grieving or believe you are stuck in a stage of the grieving process that is interfering with your daily life and relationships, contact our office today to schedule a session with a counselor. Your emotions are valid and should be acknowledged. We can help you accept those emotions and learn how to work through the grief.