Setting Essential Boundaries in Dating

When you start a relationship with someone, you’re in an exciting and at times bewildering period of discovery. Not only are you discovering more about the person you’re with, but you’re also finding out more about yourself. Certain people bring out things in us that other people couldn’t, and so it’s likely that you’re finding out more about yourself too. This is why boundaries in dating are so important.

As you embark upon this journey of discovery, you must remain true to who you are even as you explore new possibilities and are stretched. That can be a tricky balance to maintain, but it is important to manage in a relationship. When you’re in love with someone, you can be swept up by your emotions and the sheer weight of your intimacy into situations that compromise you.

The value of boundaries.

Boundaries matter, and one reason for this is that your individuality matters. You are who you are, with your distinct personality, likes and dislikes, things that energize and deflate you, and so much more. Boundaries help you maintain that integrity so that you don’t become a mere extension of another person. You can remain yourself and be able to meet your needs in the relationship.

All healthy relationships need boundaries so that the people in them don’t collapse into one another to become an indistinguishable mass. It’s important to set healthy boundaries in dating because that sets the tone for your relationship going forward. If the boundaries you have are unworkable for one or both of you, then it’s likely that you will have the same issue later in your relationship.

Some boundaries to set when dating.

You can set boundaries around different areas of your life. Sometimes you don’t know that you already have a boundary until something that a person says or does annoys you, and you figure out why. Some of the things you can set boundaries over include the following:

Intimacy.

You should decide to reserve certain forms of intimacy, such as sexual intimacy, for marriage. Some people do not want public displays of affection.

Exclusivity of the relationship.

As social mores shift, open relationships and polyamory are options for some. One boundary should be exclusivity in your relationship.

How you manage social media.

For some, a relationship isn’t official until it becomes social media official. Others are entirely off social media and don’t want information about them or their relationship online.

Money.

Money can come between friends, family, and lovers. Your boundary might be that you don’t make loans or gifts of money until your relationship is further along.

Relating to each other’s family.

If you’re a single parent who’s dating, you might limit contact with your child until the relationship is serious enough. Or you may decide that you don’t bring them to family events until the relationship has progressed and is serious.

Access to devices, banks, and other accounts.

Our lives are tied to our electronic devices. Giving another person access is a huge step that you may or may not be ready to take just yet.

Communication.

This includes when, how, and how often you communicate with each other. Some people live for text messages, while others prefer phone calls or FaceTime calls where you don’t have to guess a person’s tone. Some prefer regular contact or want quick responses to messages, but other people operate differently.

Safety.

For some people, raised voices during an argument make them feel unsafe, and other people cannot tolerate bad driving and would rather walk than stay in an unsafe vehicle.

Time.

How much time do you spend together, or how do you use your spare time? Different people will have different answers to these questions.

Help for boundaries in dating.

Boundaries help you determine what is yours exclusively, and what is shared with the other person. They promote a healthy dependence. When you know the other person’s boundaries, you know what their needs are, and how to meet them or give them space to do so themselves. Your consideration is a thoughtful and informed consideration, which goes a long way.

If you need help to understand boundaries better, to discern what yours are, or to learn how to enforce and renegotiate your boundaries, you can speak to a counselor at Loma Linda Christian Counseling who can walk alongside you. Contact us today for help.